Ranting and Rolling After NFL Week #1 (20 Thoughts)

NFL Sep 12, 2022


Number of NFL bets I made on Sunday:  14

Amount of money I won:  $720.

Watching Jerry Jones lose his shit while the Cowboys get stomped on national TV:  PRICELESS

My Top 20+ Takeaways From NFL Week #1

Warning:  Lot's of adult content

(1)  Let's begin west of the turnpike in the N.J. Meadowlands. Holy shiiiiiiiiit -- how does a pro quarterback COMPLETE 37 of his passes, and his team still loses by 15?  Paging JOE FLACCO!  King of the 4-yard gain on 3rd and 7!  By mid-3rd quarter angry and drunken Jets grovelers were already screaming for the rookie Bambi backup.  Sorry to boast here, but these games are fun as fuck to watch when you've got the other side of an ass-kicking, you were most certainly were on the Ravens, correct?  My pal Sammy Action even got down on a teaser wheel with Baltimore as the hub.  Smart bet, Action man.  I loooooooooove loooooooove loooooooove watching games like that, where you don't even have to sweat the money.  Friggass "exciting games," meh.  Screw that.  I want to be taking a nap by the 4th quarter fantasizing about what to do with all the scratch I won.  That's my dream NFL Sunday.

(2)  Man, the Eagles and Lions was a fun game, that is, if you love offense.  38-35 final.  OVER bang!  Easy money.  Both of these teams are going to be interesting this season.  If there's such a thing as a moral victory, Detroit got it.  Lions may win just 6-7 games, but they remain a covering machine (now 12-6 dating back to last season).  Look out!  Motor City kitties on parade!

(3)  Trey Lance is a joke, only no one is laughing.  What a miserable performance in rainy Chicago, which was supposed to be the anointed one's breakthrough game on the way to the NFC West title  Garappolo must have snot coming out of his nose from laughing so hard.  But hey, Niner fants -- your 49ers are still tied for first place!  All three teams in that division lost, with Seattle expected to join the sadsacks in the defeat column on Monday night.  Credit the feisty Bears for coming back from a 0-10 deficit and playing uncharacteristically well in the 2nd half, and getting the win.  Nobody expects much from the Bears this season so we have to give them props for overperforming.  Bravo!

(4)  I said Cincy would struggle because its offense line sucks.  How's that prediction going, so far?  The Bengals OL looked like a Swiss Cheese factory on Sunday.  It was so holy that Jerry Falwell rose from the dead, crawled through it, and sacked Joe Burrow.  Mad props to Mitch and his new team the Steelers for playing smash-mouth football and pulling out the win.  Man, that ending was crazy.  Missed extra points.  Shanked field goals.  Why do NFL teams either have A+ kickers who can nail 60-yarders into the net, or the other extreme -- weird-named flunkies can't even pop an XP?  Kicking is underrated in football.  I have no idea why kickers aren't drafted higher and paid more.  They determine the outcomes of more games than anyone else, sans the QB, and Justin Tucker might even be the team's MVP over Lamar Jackson the last few seasons.

(5)  Back to this week's action -- currently the score is 19-3 in the Dallas game and pom pom ding dong wavers in the Cowboys cult still haven't caught on yet.  Keep the faith, Dallas fans!  Keep filling Jerry's pockets!  This might be the year! (Reminder: Dallas has NOT reached the NFC Championship game in this century).

(6)  Okay, okay, okay.  Miami is for real.  I was wroooooooong.  Hype is often a gas-soaked rag, just waiting for the match to be struck.  I love fading hype.  Everyone and Eric Schnellers maid's fourth cousin was high on Miami coming into this season, and I didn't listen.  Midway through the day, Chad Holloway even ragged my doll ass and chided me on Facebook for not betting on his Dolphins team.  Okay, guys.  I'll listen next time.

(7)  Bill Belichick -- perhaps this is a premature thought but this season might end up being your Willie Mays 1973 baseball card.

(8)  Cleveland Browns!  Nice win!  Credit the rookie kicker who nailed a 60-yarder as the clock went to zero for the win.  Every gambler was long on Carolina today, thinking "revenge" time for Baker Mayfield.  But did anyone ever think that perhaps the reason Baker was grease fired out of Lake Erie and then shipped off to North Carolina in the back of a pickup was maybe that he's not the guy the Browns hoped for (Johnny Manziel, nodding like a bobblehead).  The Panthers lost 6 straight to end last season but were laying points because of one thing -- hype.  We never trailed in the game taking Cleveland plus the points.  The most dangerous sound in NFL handicapping is an echo chamber.  Hey wait -- I like that quote!  I'm going to keep using it.  "The most dangerous sound in NFL handicapping is an echo chamber."  (TM)

(9)  Cowboys lost!  19-3.  Cowboys lost!  Final.  LOL.  Gawd, I love football on some days.

(10)  The Colts should have been ashamed of themselves.  A 20-20 tie as an 8-point favorite stinks.  Indy was behind all day.  Matt Ryan looked like he got a degree from the Joe Flacco night school during the first three quarters.  Afterward, much talk was on Texans HC Lovie Smith's decision to basically play for the tie at the end of OT.  His fighting Texans had the ball at midfield facing 4th and 3, and Smith decided to punt with about 20 seconds left, essentially locking the tie.  it was a gutless decision, for sure.  Smith basically is telling his young QB and offense---I don't trust you with the game on the line to get 3 yards.  That's some weak shit, right there.  But there is some justification in the Lovie Dovie world -- that he can "build on" the tie.  In other words, failing to convert, turning the ball over, and allowing the Colts to drive 15 yards for a winning FG would have been devastating to the Texan players.  If anyone asked Lovie before the game, would be happy with a tie versus the team favored to win the division, he probably whispers -- YES.  So, Lovie got what he wanted.  Uh, huh.  But football fans were livid.  I was thrilled no matter what, taking the Texans +8.  I love the smell of ties in the afternoon.  It smells like ..... victory!

(11) Screw the Saints and that overrated pissant defense with a fleur-de-lis.  Allowing the lowly talentless Falcons to rush for 200+ yards and flunky bust out Mariota to build a two-TD lead was a nauseating spectacle.  Just pathetic.  Yeah, I had the UNDER in the game, so I was pissed.  But the New Orleans defense was supposed to be really good, and they aren't.  Yeah, the New Orleans faithful will take a furious comeback win and be happy with the 1-0 record, but you're drinking Sazerac Kool-Aid if you think this team is a sleeper.  Atlanta might be bottom-3 in the NFL talent-wise, and the Saints struggled for most of the game.  Only some great pass-catching from the wideouts saved the Saints from a humiliating defeat.

(12)  Oh, and speaking of Atlanta, how are they playing in Mercedes Benz Stadium?  I thought that was the Superdome?  Home of the Saints.  Now, the stadium moved 700 miles to Atlanta?  How's that possible?  Hey corporations, quit confusing us.  If you are going to pimp yourselves by stealing the stadium, at least stick with one spot and one team.  Just stop.  There should be a rule against renaming stadiums like re-stripping billboards on the I-30.

(13)  Heartbreaking defeat for Jacksonville, which showed heart in the comeback at Washington. But the real star was much-maligned Master Commander Carson Wentz who tossed 4 TDs. Big win for the NDSU alum and for Ron Rivera.

(14)  Green Bay looked horrible at Minnesota on Sunday.  Just fucking awful.  A weak offensive showing in the opener will trigger questions and catcalls about WR D. Adams's departure.  Any Packers' WR who cashes his paycheck following that debacle of performances should be tried for theft and locked up.  Much credit to Minnesota at every position, especially WR Jefferson who had an absolute field day against a Pack D that was supposed to be really good.  Call me unconvinced Cousin Kirk will lead this team to a championship ever, but he had a good day and with that supporting cast, perhaps the Vikings are now the rightful faves to win the NFC North or Central or whatever it's called now, even though I don't want to overreact to just one game.  We'll see if there's a problem in Packerland next Sunday night when they host Da' 1-0 Bears.

(15)  My MVP Trophy of the week goes to the NY Football Giants, who stunned everybody east of Tea Neck not just with a great comeback win, but it was the way they did it.  What a ballsy move by head coach Brian Daball to go for the win after his feisty Giants made it 20-19 with seconds left.  NY converted the 2-pointer and won a thriller, 21-20.  Just wow.  Hey Lovie Smith, you watching this? Sharpen your pencil and pay attention.  That's how it's done.  You play to WIN the game.  Not to tie.

(16)  Oh, and as much as I'll ride along with the Giants celebration down Park Avenue, let me gloat and stomp on the graves of that terrible effort by Tennessee, its deer-eyed coaching staff, bad play calling, and an offense that never seems to make the big play when it's needed the most.  Oh, and Derrick Henry has mailed it in, FED EX.  When the ball absolutely positively has to get one more yard, don't call Henry.  He's a lost parcel.  We saw this rapid decline last playoffs with an equally dismal effort.  He got 21 touches this time around for only 89 yards, a paltry 3.9 avg. vs. one of the worst rushing defenses in the NFL.  The Titans are toast.

(17)  Nice division win for the Chargers, which showed their defense is better now and that might end up being the deciding factor in a tough division.  They dominated the Raiders much of the day.  It's going to be panic time soon in Las Vegas given all those offensive weapons and Josh McDaniels supposed genius offensive schemes.  The Raiders were flat-out outcoached and outplayed at every level on Sunday.  Derek Carr's 3 ints didnt help.

(18)  Kliff Kingsbury might be on the hot seat now after getting stomped at home by 20+ vs. KC.  Sure, the Chiefs are monstrously good when they're good.  But the Cardinals have too many skill players on both sides of the ball to get beat like that.  Arizona was NEVER in this game.  Oh, and just another 5 TD no picks afternoon for Kingbury's ex-QB at TTU, Patrick Mahomes.  Hi coach!  Look at me now!

(19)  Oh, and one more time.  Dallas got its ass kicked.  I never get tired of seeing that.  Nice front office decisions there the last 26 seasons, Juruh', you Babadook.  Oh, and Dallas might end up with D. Prescott out for a few games with an injury.  But quit making excuses already.  Dallas--your team is Dan Snyder South.

(20)  Buffalo is the NFL's best team at the moment.  They proved it.  When you go into the Super Bowl champ's crib and demolish the inept Lambs by 21, that's not just a statement.  It's a hammer blow.  Oh, and Kansas City is easily the second-best team in the NFL.  Then, there's a huge drop-off to #3.

See you next week.  Right here.  More rants.  More gloating.  Hopefully, lots and lots and lots of gloating.